Tensions in Father-Son Relationships

When I grew up, my father was not around much. My mother told me he was out making money for us, working.

That made sense, we had a home, food, and TV - what more could I ask for?

Later on, when I spent more time with my father - there was more tension between us. Maybe because he was someone I had no idea about (and vice versa.)

Instead of trying to get to know each other, we just assumed things about each other, and get things done.

If there wasn’t this drive to get things done, either by him to teach me something or him to get me to do something, I think our relationship would be harder.

Respect AND Run Away?

At the first chance, I left home - I found it weird that I was perfectly OK with leaving home compared to my friends. The further, the better!

I always thought that my relationship with my father kind of drove this - it wasn’t. I still had great memories with him like:

• hugs
• understanding competition in academia
• learning to be a mechanic
• the respect my teachers had for him

One thing I always did, call him: “Dad”, never by his first name.

So, I respected him deeply and wanted to run away. Both felt natural and the right thing to do.

Fight or Flight??

I understood why this feeling/tension I had with my father when I read David Deida’s The Way of the Superior Man.

There is a biological push for sons to be better than their fathers, while the fathers keeping their sons in their place.

In ancient (or even pre-historic times) - fathers would be “kings” of the family and son would be “princes”.

Eventually, princes would take over as kings - the question always is:

• king of the current family?
• king of another family?

Either the son fight with his father and become king - fight OR the son leaves and fights another father (for a partner) and become king - flight.

The “fight or flight” response in another form!

Inheritance

Understanding this put my perspective of my relationship with my father in a different light. I ran away to “take out another king” when I found my partner.

At the same time, I also gave up all the “riches” my father had - because I was able to make my riches on my terms.

Conclusion

If you are a son and there’s tension between you and your father, especially when you’re about to become an adult - consider this tension natural - a tension from prehistoric days.

Check out David Deida’s Way of the Superior Man for more.